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"My feet hurt. I've been wearing high heels all week. My feet are not used to them, but I will pull this off until they don't hurt anymore. I mean - you can't just stop walking because your feet hurt."

Draft that never got posted from last week.

My feet don't hurt anymore, just for the record. ;)

The weather is crazy. A hurricane has been building up the entire day, and it is supposed to hit its climax around 9pm around Munich; and Augsburg is only 60km away from Munich.

In the morning, they said on the news that if one was going to leave the office after 4.30pm, one should consider staying (?!?!?!) because it would be too dangerous.

I thought they were only exaggerating, but then I did I leave work early because on the radio, they said that from 3.30pm on, there would be no more trains to Augsburg! And the train I took was horribly, horribly packed. At 4pm, the public means of transportation stopped operating in Munich, and the entire city centre of Munich has been cordoned off and all the shops were closed hours ago!

Germany is not prepared what (I think) is ahead. I mean - how could we be prepared, we never have hurricanes here.

When I was on my way home, I saw that a meadow was completely on fire, but the fire brigade was nowhere to be seen, which was particularly surprising because their base is only a few minutes ago. I tried to call their hotline but it was busy for minutes. Then there happened to be two fire engines further down the street because roofing tiles had come off, so I told one of the firemen that there was an entire meadow burning. They asked me for directions and immediately drove there.


I wish I could have come along, I've never witnessed firemen work!

More "meaningful" entry one of these days..I am just too blown away (literally ;)) by the weather right now to really concentrate on writing.

Friends Only

I forgot to say that most of my entries are Friends Only now, for privacy reasons.

If you would like to read my journal, feel free to leave a comment, and tell me who you are. :)


Sometimes it startles me how some people treat their friends, or people they consider friends. There have been quite a few situations lately in which I shook my head at the disrespect towards friends.

Last night I caught Joey on ICQ. We haven't met since the end of July, he sent me a total of 2 e-mails describing nothing but his job and what a great impression he makes at job interviews. He did not reply with a single word to the e-mails and the things I had written him.

And his emails frustrated me, a lot. He was aware of the fact that being unemployed really got to me, and still, his emails consisted of nothing but stories about his job.

When we were talking yesterday, I told him that I'd start working on 1 October, and all he said was "cool", and then he went on with his job..

I mean, it would have been nice if he had said something along the lines of "congrats" or "I'm happy for you". When he got a job, I was very happy for him, and I really was! That he almost ignored it before returned to praising himself really pissed me off.

He listed all the tasks he does in his job, and they are not spectacular, I mean..I don't see why I should go "oh wow, are you serious??" about "I send out reminders and samples". But he made them sound like they were the most amazing things ever.

And what I really don't like is when people want to shove it into my face how much money they make. I don't care. Joey obviously thinks differently, though.

After a while, it almost sounded like he was trying to point out that we were competing and he was winning..it was absolutely ridiculous. Our entire conversation was about him and his job.

It was really annoying and made me shake my head.

I've got a job!! :D

Ladies and gentlemen.. *drumroll*

I've got a job!! :D

(Comment and congratulate me now because there may be complaints later in this entry, hehe. ;))

But, yes..I got a call from the solicitor's office in Munich this morning. They said they would like hire me, and that they'd send me my employment contract within the next few days. I will start working on 1 October.

To be honest, I was not overjoyed when they called. It was more like the confirmation of something I'd known; my qualifications are good and I make a good impression on potential employers.

It is nice that someone else, a company who will employ me, has realized this and that the consequence is that I will start working soon. Yet, when it comes down to it, it is not more than a confirmation.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how arrogant this sounds. I guess you could also say that I just know my strengths and my weaknesses, and that I know how to use them to my advantage, and this is what it really is all about.

I used to feel like a sell-out, going to job interviews and more or less begging for a job. Intervened with my pride, a lot. And the worst thing about being unemployed is how it screws up your self-esteem. Not having any money at all sucks, no doubt about that, but watching one's self-esteem decrease more and more is even harder to take, at least it was for me.

Part of me is scared that I will lose myself, once I start working. I know that "I am not my job," but still, I am quite scared that one day, I will actually become my job. I am terrified of this.

It will be a white-collar job. I am scared of blending in with the crowd. Which I probably will when I go to work, my clothes will still be "me" but toned down. The only consequence this will have will probably be that the difference between clothes I wear to work and clothes I wear in my freetime will be bigger, or my outer appearance in general. We will see how this develops. I like thinking about it, in a way.

I have been excluded from Ebay. I don't blame them, if I was them, I would have cancelled my account, too. My brother used my account to sell and buy items, which was okay with me, but he is anything but reliable when it comes to paying and sending things out.

Whenever I was sent a complaint, I told him, and he said he'd take care of it. I told him once, twice, and sometimes he then acted upon it, but not in all cases.

I am not the kind of person who would tell him constantly to send out stuff or pay for it. He did not do it sometimes, I got negative feedback, he apologized.

I just shrugged it off. He did not do it on purpose, this is just how it is. I have too much respect for my brother as that I would constantly ask him if he has send out/paid for something.

My mom says that I should always be checking up on him if he's taking care of his auctions, but I am not like that. He is not a baby, I am not his mother. I won't tell him what to do 24/7. If he doesn't do it when I tell him once or twice, he wouldn't do it if I told him a thousand times, and it would only be a burden to our relationship. And we get along so well that I can easily ignore that I occasionally got negative feedback.

I hope he will take care of the complaints so that I will be able to use my Ebay account again.
I have written so many journal entries lately. I've never finished any of them.

The truth is, there is not much to say. My days are all the same.

I'm so fed up with writing about the job situation. Even I have become bored with writing about it, I don't even want to know how readers feel.

Yesterday I went to the second interview at the solicitor's office in Munich. This time I met the lawyers whose department I would work in, and I met my collegues (if I get the job). It went quite well, and they said they would call me today or tomorrow. They didn't call today, so it is tomorrow then I guess..

"I can feel the storm inside you..."

I'm so fed up with this, all of it.

Can't people just for once take responsibility for themselves? Do what they need to get done rather than rely on me 24/7? This is really pissing me off. Who am I? Everyone's personal assistant to fix their mistakes?

"I thought I'd ask you because you are so reliable."

Well, fuck you, I am only reliable because I am able to take responsibility, responsibility others are not willing to take for their own lives. This is ridiculous.

This entire day was a mess. I should have stayed in bed, possibly crying my eyes out, maybe that would have helped.

I do not need anyone's stupid advice on how to act during a job interview, I do not need anyone to tell me where to apply and where not, I do not want anyone to tell me how I or my life will change once I have a job.

I do not need that. I have a brain. I have thought about all of this more than enough. Enough to have, in the mean time, stopped worrying about it. I am past that. So just leave me alone for God's sake, I can handle all of this.

I'm so pissed. Why can't people just leave me alone? On the one hand, I get advice and suggestions like I was a little kid, on other hand, I am supposed to handle their crap and whatnot "because I have time." Yeah, great, I do have time, but that does not mean that I am automatically supposed to get stuff done for others, all day.

What are they thinking? I got asked if I know how to buy a train ticket on the machine. Are you serious?! I went abroad to stay with a family I did not know when I was 15, do you really think I do not know how to get a train ticket at 23?!

I'm so fed up with my dad. During the weekends, he's never home, which is fine with me, but when he comes back, he tells me so many stories about what he did and it's all banal stuff or things he does because they make him appear young and hip. My dad is the perfect victim for any fashion trend or commercial or event for "people who never grow old."

And I find such things ridiculous. And my dad loves them, good for his ego. Which is way too big, anyway. But I absolutely hate it when he tells me all the stories about things I despise and he never stops and always expects me to tell him how great/young/hip/fucking awesome he is.

Another thing that makes me more angry than I would like to admit, is that my eating has bene fucked up lately and I am mad at myself for letting it get to this point. I hate the effects it has on my body and my physical well-being.

I wish I would just fall apart completely so that I can put myself together again. I'm tired of fixing cracks.

The moment I sign an employment contract, the first thing I will do is go to my bank, borrow money, and get the tattoos done I have planned. I need them now, and I need the pain and I need them to make me feel as complete as possible these days.

"These streets
Turn me inside out
Everything shines
But leaves me empty still"
The weather is beautiful and warm today, and I am having problems denying that something banal like the weather could lift my spirits.

When I was walking to one of the agencies I had to go to this morning, I took the long way next to an old moat. The area around it is a parkway, with playgrounds, paths, creeks and huge chestnut trees. It's beautiful, calming.

It was early when I was walking there, and there was something so soothing about the water and the ducks, about the sun shining and the calm. It was so peaceful.

It was still quite chilly, fall is coming. It was beautiful to watch the day and the entire city wake up.

I've been invited to another job interview in Munich on Wednesday, at a solicitor's office.

And a temp work agency in Munich wants me to call them because they may have a job offer for me.

And some employer (sounded like a solicitor on the phone) will call me back on Monday.

Strange, how suddenly so much happens, job-wise, and until yesterday, there was nothing for ages. Fine with me. ;)
SH has been hacked. I wonder what kind of people would do such a stupid thing, only to do damage in a immature and absolutely unnecessary way. Wow.

To be quite honest, one of my biggest concerns is that I may have lost all my PMs, as well as the poem I posted there last night as I do not have a copy of it saved, the edited version.

I don't even want to imagine how much work it is to set up the entire board again.. :/

Job-wise, today was a strange day. Nothing happened for weeks, and now this..

1. I got a call from the job agency in the Netherlands. The company who had offered the 3-month job now no longer employ new people. Which means that I won't go to the Netherlands, which I am fairly glad about.

2. I got a call from the solicitor's office in Munich, the one Monika works for, and they have invited me to a job interview on Monday. The lady sounded really nice. :)

3. I got a call from a temp work agency in Augsburg, who told me they may have a job for me soon, in which I could use my English and French skills.

4. I got an e-mail from another solicitor's office in Munich. I'd sent my application letter back in May, but the person responsible for human resources was ill for a while, so they would now like to invite me to a job interview. :)

5. Obviously, the local job center has added me to their official web site in their search employers use to find potential employees. I did not know about that, but today I got an e-mail from some employer who wants me to contact him.

All of this in only one day. How strange.

I'm so fed up with ebay. People not paying, people calling 24/7 to ask where their stuff is, even though the auction ended less than a week ago and their payment was credited to my account only a few days ago, people complaining about shipping costs being too high, and what not.

If people want to be treated like they bought something in a store, they better go to one, pay more money for the item and get all the service they want.

All I do is take pictures, put a correct description of the item online, wait for the money to be credited to my account, and then send it out. They are not paying for service, but for the item.

Good God.

I have to go to some agency tomorrow, for my brother. He's working tomorrow, and he needs some special kind of driver's license so that he is allowed to drive around other people. He starts alternative service (instead of military service) on Monday.

I went there yesterday already, but the lady there then told me that I did not have all documents I needed. So I have to go again tomorrow.

I love my brother, he is awesome, really. But sometimes I get so sick of saving his ass. I do it all the time. He can relate on me 100%, and I always save his ass. It just gets really annoying sometimes, no matter how much I love him.

He was just here to fill in the application, which he had forgotten, too, and it needs to be signed by him. He was supposed to give me his driver's license because it is necessary for the application. Now he has left, of course, without giving me his driver's license.

I usually don't mind getting his chaos in order, but right now it's so annoying, running after him so that I get all documents together. I don't want to be told that something is missing again.

And, in addition to that, I have to go to a different agency and register a car for him, so that he can pick it up tomorrow night, he needs it for work the next day. (He's currently driving mine.)

Seriously..I don't know what that guy is going to do when I have a full-time job? Who will organise his chaos then? Oh well.

Tomorrow's going to be one hectic day, and I am pissed and all tense about it already. Man.

I wish SH was back up. :(

"My eyes never forget, you see"

I slept so well last night. The past few days have been very rainy, with temperature being far too low for August. I personally do not miss the heat and the never ending sunshine. Leaves have already started falling, so have chestnuts, and I quite like the change to fall that is about to happen.

On the way from my house to my mom's, there is a huge chestnut tree. The people who live close to it are always very fast when it comes to cleaning the pavement from chestnuts and leaves, but I have found some rather nice ones.

It reminds me of my childhood, my grandparents always went to the park with my brother and me to collect chestnuts, which we then drove to the forest. Foresters used them as food for deer in winter.

It's a tradition that my mom and I always give each other the first chestnut we find every year. They then sit in each other's home, get dry and brown and eventually open and the chestnut comes out, all wrinkled.
We've never really talked about it, but I really like this habit. Makes me smile.

Last night I spent almost an hour writing and editing a poem. I actually like it, which has been a rare thing lately. Most of the time, I feel like I do not do the idea justice, and like I am wasting words I could use in a better way elsewhere. Yet, I think I have come up with something that needs some more work but that is also worth it. Yay! :)

Writing makes me feel at peace with myself, it makes me feel good about myself. Writing is pretty much the only thing that can make me feel good about myself, among a handful of other people and the way they think about me, of course.

My mom's boyfriend came back from Iran today. :) He was supposed to come home Sunday, but then his flight was postponed to Monday, and then he was told that there was no seat reserved for him on the plane, although he had a ticket. And there wouldn't be a flight to Germany before 4 September! Which is ridiculous.

He had to buy another ticket for the plane so that he could fly home this morning, although the other ticket "theoretically" was valid. But it must have been horrible, sitting at the airport in Teheran and not speaking the language, and no one wanting to interpret. Ugh. I'm glad he's back now.

"We are the fossils
The relics of our time
We mutilate the meanings
So theyre easy to deny."


"Hold your breath and count to four.."

It is strange, hearing my father in the kitchen, the rustling of cutlery and drawers slamming and all the noises my mom used to make when cooking. Years ago. When she left, that caring touch left as well.

I miss school. I miss learning something new every day, and actively using what I learned. I miss speaking English every day, and I even miss speaking French.

Monika called me from work today. She works for a huge solicitor's office in Munich, with offices all over the world, and she told me that they are currently looking for foreign language secretaries. :) I will send out my application papers tomorrow.

It's a solicitor's office for patent law, and my tasks would have barely anything to do with the actual tasks a foreign language secretary usually does. Monika told me that she's never really used English in her job, let alone Spanish.

When looking for a job, being able to actually use my language skills has always been a priority, the number one thing.

However, right now, this is not the time for priorities, so if I get the job, I will definitely accept it.

And the salary is quite convincing, too. Money has never been a priority, but still, it is easier to have a job you don't like 100% if it is well-paid. And with a salary like the one Monika has, I could easily finance the correspondence course to become an interpreter. Yay. :)

Still..I know I would not keep that job for a long time. Because honestly, I cannot imagine having a job in which I cannot use languages at all.

There is a song, with the line I wish for a place where the world doesn't shake, but I can't find its lyrics, let alone the interpreter. Not even Google helps. *grumbles*

I'm not too fond of the fact that Billy Talent are so popular now. I love Devil in a Midnight Mass, but I really do not like the rest of their songs on Billy Talent II. It's quite disappointing.